Why Seeking Approval is Killing your Potential

The Hidden Cost of Seeking Others’ Approval

That flutter of excitement when someone likes your post. The warm glow after your boss praises your presentation. The slight panic when your work receives criticism instead of praise. Sound familiar?

We’ve all been conditioned to seek approval from our families, friends, and bosses before taking action. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: we’ll never live on our own terms if we live by external validation.

“For those with high need for approval, their self-esteem is correlated with how positively they believe others perceive them,” concluded researchers in one study. This dependency creates a psychological trap where your sense of worth becomes hostage to others’ opinions—opinions that are fickle, subjective, and completely beyond your control.

What Artists Can Teach Us About Self-Belief

There’s something I’ve always admired about artists: their unerring (and nearly stubborn and unrealistic) belief in their talents and abilities.

Think about it. If you have your heart set on becoming an artist, you’ll face more adversity than if you had chosen almost any other profession. People who plan to study art in college will inevitably hear, “Oh, but what are you going to do with that degree?” Someone who wants to be a professional actor or dancer is bound to hear, “But there’s so much competition. Only a few people make it.”

Artists can’t allow criticism or external validation to stop them or dictate what they create—even though receiving critique is an inherent aspect of their work.

Igor Stravinsky, today considered one of the greatest composers of the 20th century, caused riots in theaters in the early 1900s because the French aristocracy wasn’t ready for his unusual music. Popular musicians now argue that Stravinsky’s indifference to public opinion enabled him to revolutionize the music of the age.

During the heyday of socio-political art in Mexico, Frida Kahlo’s paintings—which depicted physical and emotional pain and the female identity, subjects that were considered personal and narrow rather than universal—were overlooked, and often overshadowed by the work of her husband, artist Diego Rivera. Today she is more famous than her husband.

This ability to push forward—despite doubt, rejection, and disapproval—isn’t exclusive to artists. It’s a skill anyone can cultivate.

The Trap of External Validation

Seeking external validation isn’t just unreliable—it’s actively harmful to your psychological wellbeing. Research shows it’s closely associated with anxiety and diminished performance over time.

This aligns with self-determination theory, a widely accepted framework developed by psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci. Their research demonstrates that people need three psychological nutrients—autonomy, relatedness, and competence—to thrive. External validation undermines these needs by making our sense of competence dependent on others rather than ourselves.

Brad Stulberg, co-author of The Passion Paradox, explains this phenomenon through two types of passion in a New York Times article. Harmonious passion occurs when we’re absorbed in an activity because we love how it makes us feel (intrinsic motivation). Obsessive passion happens when we become “hooked” on activities that result in rewards and recognition (extrinsic motivation).

The latter creates what Stulberg calls “a volatile and fragile sense of self” because “people who are obsessively passionate tie their self-worth to outcomes that are often outside their control.”

Think about Sarah, a marketing professional I worked with, who found herself refreshing her inbox every few minutes after sending a campaign proposal, anxiously awaiting her client’s feedback. Her mood would swing wildly between elation and despair based on others’ responses. The habit loop was clear: uncertainty triggered checking behavior, which was occasionally rewarded with praise, reinforcing the cycle of external validation seeking.

The need for approval feeds anxiety. Instead, follow the example of Frida Kahlo, who painted for herself, not her critics. Share on X

5 Strategies to Cultivate Self-Validation

Let’s break the cycle. Here are five practical ways to build self-validation into your daily life:

1. Identify Your Values and Live By Them

Identifying our values gives us a clear, intrinsic sense of purpose. When we are uncertain about what truly matters to us, we default to looking outward—chasing approval, social status, or material success based on what others deem important.

Try this today: Write down three core values (e.g., creativity, connection, growth) and ask yourself before each major decision: “Is this action aligned with my values, or am I just seeking external validation?” This simple question can transform how you make choices.

2. Identify When and Why You Seek External Validation

The first step in changing any behavior is recognizing when and why it happens.

Try this today: Keep a “validation journal” for one week. Each time you find yourself craving external validation, note:

What triggered this need?
What emotion am I feeling? (Insecurity? Fear? Uncertainty?)
What am I really seeking? (Reassurance? Confirmation? Recognition?)

After a week, you’ll likely see patterns that help you understand your validation-seeking habit loops.

3. Replace External with Internal Validation

Once you understand when and why you seek external validation, cultivate the habit of self-validation.

Try this today: Create a “win jar” where you write down small daily victories on slips of paper. These could be as simple as “spoke up in a meeting” or “chose a healthy lunch.” Reviewing these periodically reinforces your ability to recognize your own achievements. You can also use my free habit tracker to monitor your progress.

4. Work on What You Like, Instead of Trying to Be Liked

Igor Stravinsky and Frida Kahlo ignored the trends of their time to create work that was meaningful to them—even though it meant receiving meager recognition initially.

Try this today: Set aside 30 minutes for a “curiosity experiment” where you explore something purely because it interests you, with zero expectation of showing the results to anyone else. Notice how different this feels from activities done for others’ approval.

5. Focus on Input, Not Outcomes

Excessive need for external validation places our worth on outcomes (number of awards, rewards, compliments) that are outside of our control. It’s smarter and healthier to focus on input: the time and attention we give to something.

Try this today: For your next project, set process goals rather than outcome goals. Instead of “get 100 likes on my post,” aim for “write for 30 minutes with full concentration.” Studies show that visualizing the process, not the outcome, leads to better performance—which in turn reinforces positive beliefs about ourselves.

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Break Free From the Validation Cycle

External validation, if you get it, is fleeting and fickle. The only approval you need is your own. By building these five strategies into your daily habits, you can gradually shift from external dependence to internal confidence.

Which strategy will you try first? Start today—not for anyone else’s approval, but for the freedom that comes from living on your own terms.

Nir Eyal is a former Lecturer at Stanford and is the bestselling author of Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products and Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life. Indistractable won numerous honors and was named one of the Best Books of the Year by Amazon.

BONUS: Nir offers a complimentary Indistractable workbook on his blog, NirAndFar.com