Let’s Not Decide Who Kids Are Before They Do

Girl holding a teddy bear and star-shaped balloon

Give Children Space to Grow

The true joy of parenthood lies in watching our children unfold into their authentic selves. Week by week, month by month, year by year, they evolve into increasingly complex human beings with their own preferences, talents, and perspectives. Yet in our eagerness to know them—and as a natural result of our constant proximity—we often fall into the trap of assigning fixed identities to them prematurely.

As humans, we instinctively categorize and label the world around us. But when applied to developing children, this tendency can be not just unfair but actively harmful to their growth potential.

Our habit of pigeonholing children the moment they display any consistent personality trait or behavior creates invisible boundaries around their development. Though the human brain continues developing well into our mid-twenties, we start categorizing children as early as elementary school, sometimes even in preschool.

I didn’t truly understand who I was until well into adulthood—and I’m not alone. Many adults still joke, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!” Yet we expect children to fit neatly into the boxes we create for them.

Labels alter the course of children’s lives—typically not for the better. If we want our children to thrive, we must give them the space to evolve. After all, they’re nowhere near finished becoming who they’re meant to be.

The Hidden Dangers of Labeling Children

Labels stick tenaciously, even when they’re inaccurate. Worse, they often become self-fulfilling prophecies. Any identity we assign to children shapes how they perceive themselves and how others treat them, forming the foundation of their mental frameworks. Once labeled as “this” or “that,” children may unconsciously avoid venturing beyond those prescribed boundaries.

This effect isn’t limited to obviously negative labels like “troublemaker” or “slow learner.” Even seemingly positive labels like “gifted” carry significant downsides.

Mary C. Murphy, professor of psychological and brain sciences and author of Cultures of Growth, notes: “Labeling [kids] as gifted may actually decrease their odds of success. Consider how many high school valedictorians—most of whom were probably labeled as gifted—go on to underperform.”

Why does this happen? According to Murphy’s research with thousands of students across hundreds of classrooms, children labeled as “smart” often develop an intense fear of failure. They worry about losing their status or disappointing the adults and peers in their lives. This fear leads them to avoid challenges and risks—the very experiences essential for true growth. Instead of pushing beyond their comfort zones, they stick to what they already know they excel at.

Kids aren’t houseplants—you don't get to pick a pot and expect them to stay there forever. Let them surprise you, break molds, and bloom however the hell they want. Let your kids become who they decide to be. Share on X

In today’s environment, children face labeling from multiple directions: parents, teachers, school grades, and standardized testing all contribute to defining who a child “is” rather than recognizing what they’re temporarily experiencing or doing.

Consider a child struggling academically without receiving appropriate individualized support. According to self-determination theory developed by researchers Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, feeling competent is one of three psychological nutrients all humans need for wellbeing. Without experiencing competence, this child will likely conclude that achievement is impossible for them and stop trying altogether.

Labeling doesn’t just affect how children see themselves or how they’re treated—it fundamentally limits their potential.

A 2023 study found that students’ self-perception is heavily influenced by how school administrators, teachers, and peers view them. The labels assigned to students shape their behavior, motivation, and social identity. Perhaps most telling, the researchers concluded, “The reasons behind labels often reveal more about the labeler than the labeled individual.”

That’s the greatest injustice: Labels rarely reflect the truth about children, yet they powerfully determine what happens to them.

Similar to receiving a mental health diagnosis, being labeled in childhood exposes children to the constant reinforcement of that bias. Teachers, parents, and peers unconsciously treat children in ways that align with their assigned labels. The label activates confirmation bias: both adults and peers tend to seek evidence that confirms these labels while ignoring contradictory signs.

In their landmark study, researchers Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson investigated the relationship between teacher expectations and students’ intellectual development. After administering a standard IQ test to all students in an elementary school, they randomly selected a group of students—regardless of their actual test results—and told teachers this group would exhibit “dramatic intellectual growth.” Eight months later, these randomly selected students scored significantly higher on a follow-up IQ test.

The study concluded that teachers’ positive perceptions correlated strongly with students’ high performance on intellectual and academic assessments. Conversely, negative perceptions led to poorer outcomes. Importantly, it was the perception—not the children’s tested intelligence—that played the determining role in their achievement.

How to Avoid Labeling Children

1. Evaluate Your Own “Trapped Priors”

Parents often unconsciously develop what are called “trapped priors” about their children—perceptions of reality colored or “trapped” by past experiences. When we form fixed ideas about our child’s personality, abilities, or limitations, we unknowingly reinforce those beliefs through our interactions with them. These trapped priors become increasingly rigid and unexamined over time, even when they no longer reflect reality. This disconnect can damage our relationship with our evolving children, creating emotional distance.

“Lo Life” podcast host Lo VonRumpf, an entrepreneur and stylist, described this exact phenomenon to therapist and author Lori Gottlieb:

“I remember at one point I was a little bit lazy. I was a sloth as a teenager…and I was passive aggressive, and now I’m definitely not passive aggressive, but for some reason, like with my dad, for example, if we get into it, he will go right back to that teenage version of me and refer to me as lazy…. And it’s so triggering because I’ve worked my ass off to not be lazy, but it’s so quick that he reverts back to saying that to me and…I get so worked up when he does that.”

Gottlieb acknowledged this as a common issue in family relationships.

To release trapped priors about your children, start by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Reflect honestly on how you conceptualize your child and question why you hold those perceptions. Does your child’s current behavior actually match how you describe them—or have you been selectively noticing only the behaviors that align with your existing perception?

Embrace the reality that your child is constantly growing and evolving, and shouldn’t be defined by behaviors exhibited during a single period of their development.

2. Focus on Verbs Instead of Nouns

Verbs are powerful tools for preventing us from labeling our children and developing trapped priors. As action words, verbs describe transient behaviors that naturally change over time. They don’t define identity; rather, they acknowledge that we are people first and foremost, not whatever a singular noun might suggest we are.

Language plays a crucial role in shaping both our expectations and reality. While I often encourage adults to make identity pacts to help them commit to behavior change (identity change being key to behavior change), this approach doesn’t serve developing children well.

For children who are still growing and learning, verbs provide a much more appropriate framework.

Instead of labeling a child as “lazy” or “such a procrastinator,” try saying, “I’ve noticed you’ve been procrastinating on schoolwork lately. What’s going on?” or “I’ve noticed that you’ve been lounging around the house and haven’t seemed very motivated. Can I help in some way?”

3. Follow the LOPI Method at Home

Learning by Observing and Pitching In (LOPI) is an informal learning practice common in Indigenous communities throughout the United States, Mexico, and Central America. In this approach, children participate in genuine community activities like cooking without being subjected to external assessment. As one study noted, informal learning methods don’t “involve assessment external to the activity,” meaning children aren’t graded, tested, or given separate feedback. The emphasis falls on learning through active participation and supporting children in whatever they’re doing.

You can implement LOPI at home by involving children in cooking, gardening, and household repairs. If a child struggles while learning to hammer a nail, for instance, you might simply demonstrate the correct technique rather than explicitly pointing out their error or labeling them as “good” or “bad” at the task.

We tell kids 'you can be anything,' then immediately slap labels on them that say otherwise. Drop the labels, ditch the predictions, and give kids room to unfold into whoever they're meant to become. Share on X

4. Implement Elements of Self-Directed Learning

My daughter, now 16, has chosen homeschooling since first grade (I share more about this in this interview). One significant advantage is that after completing her regular curriculum in the morning, she has afternoons dedicated to self-directed education—”the self-chosen activities and life experiences of the learner, whether or not those activities were chosen deliberately for the purpose of education.” By age 14, my daughter had earned certification as a Python entry-level engineer and completed a Google Data Analytics Professional Certificate.

I’m not suggesting every child should be homeschooled. However, you can incorporate self-directed education into your child’s life outside traditional school hours. Rather than automatically enrolling children in predetermined after-school activities like sports or art classes, self-directed education gives children control over how they spend their time—and then supports them in pursuing those interests.

This approach allows children to explore what genuinely interests them and develop competence in activities they find meaningful.

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Conclusion

Children need freedom to experiment, fail, and grow to truly understand themselves. While one of the greatest joys of parenthood is witnessing our children’s personalities and interests unfold, we must be careful not to mistake temporary behaviors for fixed identity.

It’s natural to be excited about getting to know our children more deeply. But always remember: who they are at 4, 10, or 17 won’t be who they are forever. By giving them space to evolve without the constraints of premature labels, we offer them the greatest gift of all—the freedom to become their authentic selves.