What to do when your work feels meaningless—but quitting isn’t an option (yet).

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with friends and readers who feel stuck in jobs that don’t fulfill them. They’re not necessarily in toxic work environments or dealing with poor treatment (although that happens too—it’s the main cause of dissatisfaction at work). More often, they’re simply bored, feel undervalued, or think their work doesn’t matter.

They’re not alone. A 2024 Gallup report found that 62 percent of people globally are not engaged at work, and another 15 percent are actively disengaged. That means nearly 8 in 10 people feel checked out while on the clock.

Our job enables us to provide for ourselves and our families, but that can make us feel all the more shackled to a work situation that makes us miserable or unfulfilled. Are we meant to suck it up? Do we just have to accept the fact that not everyone gets to have a fulfilling job?

No. Even when your job doesn’t seem meaningful, you can still create meaning. Fulfillment doesn’t have to be something your job gives you. It can be something you bring to your job.

What Happens When Your Work Feels Meaningless

When we don’t feel good at work, we don’t feel good, period. Dissatisfaction at work tends to seep into other parts of our lives, affecting our self-worth and our relationships. Ironically, feeling unfulfilled often makes us worse at our jobs. It also tends to cause work to take over other domains of our lives.

Dissatisfaction is a powerful internal trigger—a negative feeling that drives us to distraction. The drive to relieve discomfort, including the emotional kind, is the root cause of all our behavior, and distraction is one way our brains attempt to deal with that discomfort. At work, when you feel bored with your tasks, undervalued by your boss or coworkers, or regretful that you didn’t choose another career path when you had the chance, you’ll seek relief from that discomfort. So you start scrolling your phone or obsessively checking email, doing anything other than what you’re supposed to be doing.

You may waste away the whole workday thanks to distraction. The projects that you should have worked on during office hours, you’ll now have to work on in the evening, when you could be spending time with family or friends or hobbies. This is how the vicious cycle of distraction functions.

So not only do you not enjoy your job, but you don’t think you’re doing a good job. Feeling that you’re not competent or that you’re not a valuable contributor is a demoralizing feeling that, in turn, pushes you more toward distraction.

Finding fulfillment can break that cycle. But first, we have to question where fulfillment comes from.

Where Does Fulfillment Come From?

Too many of us grew up believing that a job should bring purpose, meaning, and happiness to our lives. But that belief is a cultural construct. Western cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose, to achieve and make money. In the early 1900s, sociologist Max Weber traced this belief back to Protestant values: the idea that material success signifies moral virtue and divine favor. Capitalism and industrialization emphasized innovation, measurable outcomes, productivity, self-reliance, and competition. The American dream, the grandparent of today’s hustle culture, posits that anyone can achieve a better life if they work hard enough.

If you believe that your job should bring you life meaning and fulfillment, it’s no wonder that a job that doesn’t is such a source of discontent for you.

So, consider the beliefs of other cultures.

Many Indigenous groups worldwide view fulfillment differently. As a semi-nomadic people, Aboriginals tend to forego material success; they value relationships, respect, and connectedness among their community and a deep spiritual connection to their land. In the Ecuadorian Amazon, the Achuar people want nothing more than to continue their lifestyle of close family connection and harmony with nature. In North America, the Lakota people live by seven values, including generosity, kinship, and compassion, and historically, their driving principle has been to provide for the general well-being of everyone in their community.

Those Indigenous groups are collectivist cultures, prioritizing the needs of the group over those of the individual. Western cultures are individualist, focused on personal achievement and independence.

The guidebook on how to live a meaningful life doesn’t read the same everywhere. That should give you some perspective: You don’t need your job to fulfill you or define your worth. Many people in the world don’t even believe that it alone could. One study of more than 700 people found that a diverse range of factors contribute to a fulfilled life.

If what gives us fulfillment is a construct, then by changing our mindset, we can find fulfillment even if we have a job we don’t like.

Shift Your Mindset: “I Create My Own Fulfillment”

There is no perfect job. Every job, even if it’s based on your passion, is going to feel like a slog at some point. Mark Twain probably never knew how much misery his quote, “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life,” would cause.

Of course, there are people who get fulfillment from work. But fulfillment isn’t something you find. It’s something you make.

If you feel unfulfilled, it’s time for a mindset shift: Stop asking, “Why isn’t my job fulfilling me?” and start asking, “How can I bring fulfillment to my job?”

You don’t necessarily need to change jobs. You may just need a new approach to the one you have.

Reframe Your Role: Align with Your Values

Pinpoint how your job enables you to meet your values—or not.

Values are the attributes of the person you want to be. They’re not goals; they’re the guiding principles behind your behavior.

I recommend people identify their values across three life domains: you, your relationships, and your work.

Now ask yourself how your job enables you to fulfill those values.

Even if you dislike your tasks, your job may allow you to meet your values of independence or community. Perhaps your value of altruism allows you to connect with the socially minded mission of your organization, or maybe your job helps you meet your value of creativity.

Seeing your job through the lens of your values helps you to connect with what you do on a personal level, even if your job isn’t perfect.

Transform the Daily Grind with Play

Sometimes the problem isn’t that your job is bad—it’s tedious and boring. Maybe a project or task isn’t intellectually stimulating, or maybe it’s so hard you don’t want to start!

Reimagining the task may help you find the motivation to tackle it by bringing a little play to your work.

Ian Bogost, a professor of interactive computing at the Georgia Institute of Technology, wrote in his book Play Anything that “fun turns out to be fun even if it doesn’t involve much (or any) enjoyment.” Huh?

Bogost tells us that “fun is the aftermath of deliberately manipulating a familiar situation in a new way.” Instead of running away from the pain of doing a task, the idea is to pay such close attention that you find new challenges that provide the novelty to engage our attention and maintain focus when tempted by distraction.

I’m a writer, but sometimes I find the act of writing really hard. I learned to stay focused on the tedious work of writing books by finding the mystery in my work. I write to answer interesting questions and discover novel solutions to old problems.

This woman who works at a pizza shop learned how to fold stacks upon stacks of pizza boxes as fast as she could.

What could finding the fun in your work look like for you?

• Track how fast you can complete certain tasks.
• Create small experiments to improve efficiency.
• Learn a new skill and apply it in your current role.
• Find one thing to improve in your workflow each week.

Even tasks you’re loath to start can become more engaging when you inject creativity and challenge into them. You may discover that finding the fun in your work is its own kind of fulfillment.

Seek Fulfillment Outside of Work

Your job is not your whole life.

If your work isn’t a source of deep meaning, find fulfillment elsewhere. Spend quality time with family or friends. Volunteer. Learn something new. Travel. Join a community. Start a side project.

This is why it’s critical to make sure distractions at work don’t cause your job to take over your life. You need to set aside time for the activities that will make you feel you’re spending your time the way you want to.

If you’ve honestly tried these avenues and your job remains a major source of discontent, that’s a clear sign: It’s time to do what you need to do to leave.

Maybe your job clashes with some of your values, or it’s in a field you simply have no interest in. Perhaps nothing you do eases a toxic work environment or helps you build a better relationship with your boss.

If your work is getting in the way of feeling fulfilled, you owe it to yourself and the other people in your life to find a way to be happier.

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Have you ever cringed while showering, suddenly remembering something embarrassing you said years ago? That memory still feels so fresh, so real—but what if I told you it might be entirely distorted?

We navigate life believing our memories are faithful recordings of the past. We replay conversations with crystal-clear certainty, convinced that what we remember is exactly what happened. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: our brains are unreliable narrators.

The Illusion of Perfect Memory

False memories aren’t rare glitches in cognition; they’re the default. Studies consistently show that memory isn’t a recording device—it’s a reconstruction. Every time we recall an event, we subtly rewrite it, influenced by current emotions, biases, and external inputs.

In fact, memory is so malleable that researchers can implant entirely false memories in people. Cognitive psychologist Elizabeth Loftus has demonstrated this repeatedly in her groundbreaking research. In one landmark study, she and her colleagues showed participants doctored photographs of events that never happened—such as taking a hot air balloon ride as a child. Astonishingly, about 30 percent of participants “remembered” these fictional events with vivid detail.

Even subtle language changes can dramatically alter our recall. In Loftus’s classic car crash experiment, participants who were asked how fast cars were going when they “smashed” into each other estimated higher speeds and even falsely recalled seeing broken glass. Those asked about cars “hitting” each other reported lower speeds and no broken glass.

These false or reconstructed memories don’t just distort our perception of external events—they fundamentally shape how we see ourselves.

When Memory Distortion Becomes Self-Gaslighting

Gaslighting typically refers to when someone invalidates another person’s experience through manipulation. But we’re equally capable of gaslighting ourselves, and our faulty memories provide the perfect fuel.

Consider this scenario: You made an awkward comment during a team meeting five years ago. In your memory, the room fell silent, colleagues exchanged uncomfortable glances, and your boss frowned disapprovingly. This memory reinforces your belief that you’re “not good with people” or “always say the wrong thing.”

But what actually happened? Perhaps there was a brief pause, a few people didn’t even notice, and the meeting continued normally. Or maybe your comment was received better than you remember, but your negativity bias—our tendency to remember and dwell on negative experiences more than positive ones—has amplified the awkwardness in your memory.

Self-gaslighting happens when:

1. You take a memory—especially one tied to shame or failure—and exaggerate its significance
2. You convince yourself that one moment defines your character or abilities
3. You override a balanced perspective with a harsh, self-critical narrative
4. You selectively remember evidence that confirms your negative self-image

If you tend to see yourself as someone who is always at a disadvantage or inherently flawed, your memory distortions will likely lean toward reinforcing those beliefs. This creates a vicious cycle: negative self-perception → biased memory recall → strengthened negative self-perception.

Breaking Free from Memory-Based Self-Criticism

If our memories are unreliable, can we ever be sure what happened? Probably not—and that’s surprisingly liberating. Instead of obsessing over whether your perception is objectively true, ask a more useful question: Does this belief serve me?

Psychologists call it belief perseverance—our stubborn tendency to cling to beliefs even after they’ve been discredited. Even if you discovered that a long-held memory was distorted, your brain would likely resist changing the belief it created. This is why many people continue to see themselves in certain limiting ways, despite evidence to the contrary.

Practical Steps to Stop Self-Gaslighting

1. Question the utility of your memories

When a painful memory surfaces, ask yourself:

• Does believing I embarrassed myself at that party help me enjoy social gatherings now?
• Does holding onto the belief that I wasn’t a “math person” in school help me grow today?
• Does seeing myself as “always disorganized” improve my productivity?

2. Collect evidence that contradicts your negative narratives

Our brains love confirmation bias—we notice evidence that confirms our beliefs while ignoring contradictory information. Actively seek and document counter-evidence:

• Keep a “wins journal” where you record daily successes, no matter how small
• Ask trusted friends about their perceptions of events you remember negatively
• Take note when you act contrary to your negative self-belief

3. Reframe memories as tools, not truths

A belief is only as valuable as the result it creates in your life. If a memory strengthens you, keeps you accountable, and pushes you toward the person you want to become, use it. If it drains you, narrows your world, and fuels resentment, consider letting it go—whether it’s “true” or not.

4. Practice deliberate memory reconstruction

Try this exercise: Take a negative memory that haunts you and deliberately reconstruct it with compassion.

• Write down the memory as you currently remember it
• Identify where you might be filling in gaps or making assumptions
• Rewrite the scene with the understanding that others were likely focused on themselves, not judging you
• Imagine watching the scene as a compassionate observer—what would they notice that you missed?

Traction, Not Busyness

Being busy doesn’t build success. Being intentional does.

The path to meaningful productivity isn’t about filling every minute of your calendar. It’s about creating the time and space for traction—making progress on what matters most to you. This connects directly to Eyal’s concept of “traction” versus “distraction,” where traction pulls you toward what you want while distraction pulls you away.

I’ve found that the professionals who advance most rapidly aren’t necessarily working more hours—they’re working more focused hours. They’ve mastered the art of saying no to the trivial many so they can say yes to the vital few.

By setting appropriate boundaries around your time and attention, you aren’t being difficult or uncooperative. You’re creating the conditions necessary for your best work to emerge. You’re telling the world that your contribution matters enough to be protected.

What’s one boundary you could set this week to protect your time and attention?

Choosing Better Stories

This isn’t about denying accountability or ignoring genuine lessons from past mistakes. It’s about recognizing that memory is fallible and that we can be selective about the stories we tell ourselves.

The next time you find yourself trapped in a cycle of self-criticism based on past memories, remember: your brain is an imperfect historian but an excellent storyteller. You can acknowledge the uncertainty of your memories while choosing stories that empower rather than diminish you.

Your past doesn’t define you—and your memories of that past are far more flexible than you think. Use that flexibility to your advantage.

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I’ll never forget the day I learned about Facebook’s $19 billion WhatsApp acquisition. Instead of celebrating my own recent success as an author, I found myself spiraling into a pit of self-doubt. “Why hadn’t I created a simple messaging app?” I wondered, mentally berating myself for missing out on what seemed like an obvious opportunity.

Sound familiar?

We’ve all been told that comparing ourselves to others is toxic. It’s the ultimate happiness killer, the thief of joy, the fast track to misery—or so conventional wisdom tells us. But here’s the thing: If comparison is so destructive, why do our minds keep returning to it? What if there’s more to this story than meets the eye?

Recent research suggests that watching others succeed doesn’t just make us feel bad; it lights a fire under us, pushing us toward our own achievements. While comparison can certainly be a bad habit, there might be a hidden upside we’ve been missing.

A friend recently shared something intriguing with me. For years, she’s maintained what she calls a “secret mentor”—someone she follows online who serves as her unofficial measuring stick for success. This person changes periodically, but the pattern remains the same: Usually, it’s someone similar to her in age and background who’s achieved something she aspires to.

Yes, she admits, sometimes this comparison leaves her feeling inadequate. But more often, it serves as a north star, showing her what’s possible. These “comparison targets” prove her goals are achievable, not just pipe dreams.

Given that comparative thoughts comprise 12 percent of our daily mental activity, we’d better learn to harness them constructively. The key lies in developing a self-compassionate relationship with ourselves while acknowledging our natural tendency to measure ourselves against others.

The Fascinating Science Behind Social Comparison

To understand why comparison affects us so deeply, we need to dive into the psychology behind it.

Social comparison theory shows that humans have an innate drive to evaluate themselves against others. We measure everything from our wealth and social status to our physical appearance and professional achievements.

This comparison typically takes three forms:

• Upward comparison: Looking at those we perceive as “ahead” of us
• Downward comparison: Looking at those we perceive as “behind” us
• Lateral comparison: Looking at those we see as our peers

For years, psychologists assumed upward comparisons were inherently harmful to well-being. However, recent research reveals something surprising: Depending on how we frame them, both upward and downward comparisons can have positive and negative effects.

The game changer? Understanding the difference between “assimilative” and “contrastive” comparisons and the two distinct types of envy they produce.

When we make assimilative comparisons, we focus on our similarities with the person we compare ourselves to. This tends to spark what psychologists call “benign envy”—the kind that makes us think, “If they can do it, so can I.”

Contrastive comparisons, on the other hand, emphasize differences and often lead to “malicious envy”—the kind that makes us want to see others fail.

This distinction explains why so many studies have mistakenly concluded that social media is universally bad for mental health. They primarily looked at contrastive comparisons, missing the potential benefits of assimilative thinking.

Some cultures explicitly recognize these two responses to others’ success. While both involve that familiar sting, benign envy channels our energy into personal growth, creating what psychologists call “approach motivation“—a fancy term for the drive to move toward our goals or what I like to call “traction.”

In contrast, malicious envy triggers avoidance motivation: We either try to distance ourselves from the person we envy or, worse, give up on our own similar aspirations. 

Have you ever caught yourself unfollowing someone successful on social media or avoiding their latest achievement? That’s avoidance motivation in action.

The takeaway? Comparison, when channeled correctly, can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

When Comparison Becomes Toxic

Of course, not all comparisons are created equal. Comparison becomes harmful when it triggers thoughts like “That ship has sailed for me” or “I’ll never achieve what they have.” This is known as the “contrast effect,” a cognitive bias that distorts our perception of reality.

The contrast effect can turn a perfectly good day into an emotional tailspin. You might be feeling great about your life until you hear about someone else’s success, and suddenly, your own achievements seem insignificant. It’s like having your personal highlight reel interrupted by someone else’s championship game.

Take my reaction to the WhatsApp deal. The previous year, my book Hooked had become a bestseller, selling 5,000 copies in its first year (and eventually exceeding 500,000 copies worldwide). Yet one piece of news about someone else’s success temporarily blinded me to my own achievements—malicious envy in full effect.

Consider wealth, for instance. While society often equates success with income, some studies show that money stops contributing to emotional well-being once basic needs are met—around $60,000 to $75,000 annually. Unexpectedly, people earning $95,000 more often report lower life satisfaction than those making less.

A 2023 study somewhat contradicted those findings: It discovered that most people do experience an increase in happiness with an increase in income—with the caveat that the unhappiest 20 percent of study participants saw their happiness plateau at $100,000. Also, the level of happiness people experienced with a rise in income depended on their overall emotional well-being. The higher your emotional well-being generally is, the happier you’ll be with an income increase. Why is that? Income isn’t the only factor that influences happiness. You can be rich and unhappy, and more money won’t help you.

“Money is just one of the many determinants of happiness,” Matthew Killingsworth, one of the study’s researchers, told Penn Today. “Money is not the secret to happiness, but it can probably help a bit.”

This finding illustrates how our assumptions about “more is better” comparison can lead us astray. We chase higher salaries, thinking it’s the key to greater satisfaction when the data suggests money alone isn’t the answer; we should focus on other aspects of our lives, too.

Harnessing the Power of Positive Comparison

When used wisely, comparison can spark inspiration and motivation. Research shows that we’re particularly inspired by role models, people similar enough to relate to but successful enough to admire. As one study found, focusing on how we can become more like these role models often leads to genuine inspiration.

Therapist Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, offers an interesting perspective: “Follow your envy; it tells you what you want.” Our envious feelings often point to our deepest desires, even when we’re unaware of them.

Dr. Susan Biali Haas suggests viewing envy as a tool for personal clarity and growth. Each twinge of envy is an opportunity to practice gratitude and cultivate goodwill toward others.

Practical Steps for Healthy Comparison

1. Check Your Mental State Before Scrolling

2. Build Authentic Self-Esteem

3. Practice Active Gratitude

4. Remember the Incomplete Picture

5. Get Specific About Your Envy

6. Define Your Own Success Metrics

7. Let Go

Instead of unfollowing successful people, follow them mindfully. Take inspiration from others’ cultural practices when acknowledging their achievements. For example, people in Arabic-speaking cultures use the expression “Mashallah” (Arabic for “God has willed it” to express admiration and gratitude. As one Washington Post writer noted, this practice helps transform envy into genuine admiration and respect.

The key question isn’t whether to compare yourself to others. It’s how to use comparison constructively. Are you using it as a stepping stone to growth or a stumbling block to success? The choice and the power lie in your hands.

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